Making Pink Lemonade

Very happily, not all my days were bleak. In February 2007, two friends (husband and wife) came to visit. Imin and Jasmine had just come back from China and were keen to see how I was doing. They never knew but what they had to share with me during that visit preserved my sanity on countless occasions. When I had that breakdown two months later, their words offered me additional comfort that gave me strength to pull myself together.

Right about the time of their visit, I had begun to feel that I was a burden to everyone around me, especially Liam. There were times I regretted my own existence, regretted that I was still alive. In my darker moments, I contemplated how I could make things “right”, how I could end my useless life. I even had a list in my head, a mental agenda for my own suicide.

1. No knives or sharp metal objects—I was terribly afraid of pain and abhorred the sight of blood.
2. No jumping off tall buildings – I was vain enough to want to look nice in the coffin. (A terrible pity because I lived on a high floor and opportunities would have been plentiful.)
3. No hanging— I had neither the strength to tie a knot that could withstand my weight nor the ability to get myself into the noose. Plus, I would look terrible in my coffin.
4. Carbon monoxide poisoning—Seems to be most “pleasant” way to go but even more impossible. How was I going to get myself to any car alone, much less attach a rubber tube to the exhaust pipe and pull the other end to the car window?
5. Sleeping pills—Getting one’s stomach pumped is not a pleasant business. Plus, I knew that many actually woke up in severe pain after initially falling asleep.
6. Research online for more options.

At these moments, I would remember what my two friends had told me, that as much as I hated being a burden to Liam, being able to be around me, being able to share my troubles, being able to be there for me, that in itself was a “blessing” that he was probably thankful for.

I would have been highly sceptical of their words, except for the fact that they had a similar experience of their own to share. While in China, Jasmine had undergone neurosurgery as well. Prior to that, she had been plagued with migraine headaches. A lot of them were so terrible that she had wanted to die, just to escape the unbearable torment. Imin shared with me how, during his wife’s worst moments, he was actually glad that he was at least able to be by her side, to go through those times with her.

Imin’s words left a very deep impression on me. I had never thought of it that way. I had always thought of what a burden I must be. I had never thought Liam would be glad that at least he could go through this period with me, to be the shoulder I can lean on when I wearied in my battle against my condition.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2007

Imin and Jasmine came to visit yesterday. After talking to them, somehow, I feel better. I realise that I had been looking inwards, that I had been focussed on me and how I had been affected, and how I must be a burden to those around me. They made me realise that those around me are affected too, and not necessarily in a bad way. That made me feel better.

They also made me realise that I shouldn't feel bad all the time, that maybe being able to be beside me through this, that is a blessing in itself. After all, if anything happened to Liam and I wasn't able to be with him through it, I would probably break something (or the person who told me I can't be by his side).

I also realise that this is a choice, to stay by my side, a choice that he made. As much as I might have wanted to, I didn't and I can't influence it in any way. I wasn't responsible for it, I didn't make the choice for him, and I feel better, if a little helpless.

I still can't walk, but at least I'm trying, and at least I get to try. Maybe, just maybe, things aren't so bad after all.